Dating & Relationships for ex-cons & ex-offenders
If you are married when you went to prison, or common law, I am sure you are one of the 90% who received the Dear John letters from your spouse while you are inside. There is nothing worse then being locked up and powerless and your wife/husband telling you that they cannot handle this no longer and need to move on with their lives. I have seen a few couples manage to stay together through a term of imprisonment, however the majority do not.
When you are released and sometime later decide you would like to start dating, you will find there are some issues that you never had prior to a criminal past. Ex-cons need to be more careful of whom they date then one might think. Most woman have children and so if you are a male ex-con, no matter what your crime was even if it had nothing to do with children in any way, woman will feel the need to let you know they have to protect their children (by that I mean they feel the need to protect them form you). I have never understood that one either; it is like saying because you're a professional baseball player you're more likely to beat your children with a bat, it is simply untrue. If your crime was an offence against woman and particular a past spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, you will find that will be a very hard one to get around. If you beat your last wife, or murdered your husband, you are going to have some issues with finding another spouse. When it comes to that kind of crime I sure can understand someone's apprehension on wanting to get emotionally involved with an ex-con who has this in there past.
How long should an ex-con wait to tell the person that they are dating that they have a criminal past or criminal record? In some cases the other person may know and has accepted you and moved on and that is great and wonderful. However for most of us we struggle with that question. On one hand we don't want to be dishonest as we are now trying to live a new life, and on the other we have quickly learned people seem to avoid us once they find out. There are some things you need to be aware of, if the other person asks you upfront (trust me some do this) and I mean like right away. I have learned in my situation anyways, woman who ask right away are asking for a reason, they have had a bad experience by a past ex-con, or have an ex-con in the family, or are a victim, etc. The best answer to that question is, "Why would you ask me that?" If there answer is, "I just want to know", that is simply untrue no one just wants to know there is always a reason behind this question. However the question will present a dilemma, if you say yes the other person will bug you to death till you tell them, and if you say you are not comfortable talking about it this early, you will get a host of questions as to what is was not. If you answer no and lie and he/she finds out later, they are not going to trust you when they find out later, and they will find out. The answer to this really depends upon you and what you want, if you do not think this is a person you are going to want a relationship with or just not sure about as it is too early, or you really didn't want to go out on another date anyways, then just tell him/her you do not have a criminal past and discontinue the dating with them. If this is someone you want to get to know and interested in them and want to see them more, answer them with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It will be hard for them to handle it, but if they can get past it they will come out with the feeling that you are honest and they can trust you. In the end that is a win-win situation for both of you; not saying it won't take some work. Just incase you didn't get the point yet, dating for an ex-con sucks, everything is a lot of work for us now. Please keep in mind this is only if they ask the question upfront, and ask a specific question about you having a criminal past or convictions, prison, jail, etc.
For the most part the relationship at first will be normal and you will just get to know each other as normal people do. He/she is just getting to know who you are and as chemistry and feelings start to progress it feels nice to have someone getting to know you for you, and not based upon your past offence. However for me it is always in the back of mind and often dreading the fact I have to tell them someday. What I have learned over time is that most relationship may end for various reasons within the first 3-4 months anyways, regardless of them knowing about your past or not. This is a dating period where you are just getting to know each other and both of you are just not sure, no matter what and how you feel the first couple months. I think we all had those relationships that started out like rocket only do go down like a crashing plane. We may think this is the one, only to be later disappointed. This is also the period of time you need to get smart and proactive about understanding if the person will be able to handle your past, you must watch listen and learn. Especially, if he/she is asked about something related to crime, present offences reported in the news, or if they have someone in the family who was in prison, jail, or maybe they have a brother or relative that is a police officer. Warning there is something you need to be aware of, if you are dating someone that has a police officer in the immediate family, you can rest assure that they will do a back ground check on you (yes I know you are going to tell me that is illegal and their not allowed to do it, well suck it up princess because it will happen like it or not). In these cases you may need to tell them a little earlier then what you want, I will leave that to your discretion. So do not be in a rush to meet the family, let him/her tell you about their family as they will, and you will tell them about yours that is normal when getting to know someone.
Other circumstances you need to take in consideration when looking for a dating prospect. Make sure that there type of employment doesn't require a higher level of security clearance, high profile position or they are in the media a lot. I think most of you can clue in as to why. I will say this, it really depends on your offence, but if it is the least bit serious dating someone like that will not be a good idea to date. Avoid it at all cost, unless it is a minor offence or something very small and even then you need to tell them right away, think about them and not yourself here. Also be aware if they are a victim of crime or a family member was, etc, most men or woman will tell you very early in the dating scene, especially in cases of rape, physical spousal abuse, etc. It would be wise to be able to recognize that if you are in for beating your wife, perhaps someone who just came out of relationship where she was victimized would not be the best choice. In any of those cases do not tell them about your past, just move on. I often find that persons of criminal past seem to choose someone of like mind or with criminal past as well. In most cases this is bad mistake, and in some cases it is a nightmare. There are always exceptions to this rule, and I understand that. Most of these types of relationships are neither healthy nor beneficial to your growth. However some exceptions to this do apply especially if you have both been out of prison for awhile or if it is someone who works with ex-cons, each case is unique. I do understand it is easier to have someone of like mind as acceptance and having the similarity. What often starts out as easy and wonderful at first, becomes less attractive later and soon just a daily reminder of the past.
How long should I wait to tell someone that I am dating about my criminal past in normal circumstances
I recommend you wait no longer than 3-6 months before you tell them about your criminal past in normal circumstances. One of the biggest mistakes ex-cons make when dating is letting their feeling get to far a head of them (as most do anyways). It is best to wait till you both know this is what you want. It is also best to let them have a period of time to get to know who your really are, untarnished by the knowledge of an offence. That way they will have something to compare who you are when they do find out. In this time period it will give you time to find out if this is the person you want and vice-versa. The two of you may decide to go your separate ways, regardless of your past. So you really do not want to tell everyone, and have everyone you meet know about it right away anyways. If you find yourself in these situations you could tell them before this period of time. You decide to move in with each other (which 6 months is too fast in my opinion however it happens) the other person should know before you move in together. If she gets pregnant and decides that she wants to keep the baby, she needs to know. We all know there is birth control, etc but it can happen sometimes. If it is less then 6 months and you have not told her yet well that changes everything and she needs to know, sooner then later so she has more options. Also avoid meeting his/her children right away wait awhile, it would be best to not meet them until after you told them. However sometimes things just kind of have away of happing when your all emotional. If you do meet the kids before she knows make sure she is there all the time or some other adult is around (do not offer to baby-sit or go over board to get them to like you). Why? Because even though your offence may not have been against children and you would never hurt them in anyway (if your offence was against children be very careful here). As soon as people find out you have a criminal past they come up with all kinds of crazy ideas and unnecessary fears at first, do not leave yourself open to that. Most people still have the stereotype of ex-cons and you may well be the first one they meant so they never had to question these beliefs until now, it will take some time for them to go away. Ex-cons also run into the issues of going across the border, as many people like to do. Depending if you are on parole or not, or finish your sentence and your crime, this could be different in many circumstances. I myself cannot just cross the border, so when I start dating someone I have to come up with good excuses why I cannot go to the United States for any reason. I found it rather surprising how many women I meant that wanted to do this with me, so it does make it difficult.
I know some of you as your reading this or already made up your mind prior to this that you just won't tell them. That is not really a bright idea and I would caution you not to do that. Not only is it dishonest it can be very hurtful to the other person, it is not a matter of if they will find out, only when. If they have been with you for a period of say 2 years, and find out by someone else or other means. The trust issues of this are enormous to the other person, and he/she will always wonder if you would have told them, and feel that they were living a lie. Most people can understand that you didn't tell them right away if you just meant and the time of dating is under 6 months. As there are things we all just do not tell everyone when we first meet someone. I recommend you tell them after a period of time, regardless if you have a pardon or not. They do need to know before it gets to serious. I personally could not live that lie, and would rather lose someone with the truth then keeping them by deceit. You may think that they will never find out but let me tell you how easy it is for them to find out. I was driving a girl home I was dating; it was only the 2nd or 3 rd date. One of my headlights burnt out on the way there, the police were doing normal patrols that evening and pulled me over. The police officer came up to my car door as normal and was very nice and professional, the other police officer waited in the car. The officer went back to check everything as normal, but took a longer time then normal, once he ran my license they could see I had a criminal past. However the person in the car with me had no idea. As they came back to the car he handed back my license and his demeanor changed towards me a bit, he was still nice and let me go with a warning. However he didn't come close up to the door like he did prior and kept a safe distance. As I drove away she asked me, "What did you do?" I said, "What do you mean?" Then she told me she noticed the other police officer get out of the car and was standing with his hand on his gun, and was watching me very closely from behind the car. She then informed me that I must have done something bad in the past for that to have happen. I told her the truth, and it was one of those situations that could happen to any ex-con. I want to make something clear, people can handle the truth and make informed decision when they are aware of it, may not always be the choices we want but that is the way it is going to be, like it or not.
Conclusion
In conclusion when it comes to dating be fair to the other person as well as yourself. Would you really want to be with someone who lied about things and was deceitful? Just because the truth may be bad doesn't mean others cannot handle it, or be unable to love you. More important then that is the other person can make informed decisions, and work with you to avoid some of the pitfalls and problems an ex-con faces. Look at your dating prospects as more of an interview, ask a lot of questions, and spend time to get to know each other. One of the most important things you need to realize is that being an ex-con is a handicap of the worst kind; we do not get a little card that gives us the best parking spots either. However like all handicaps if we have the wiliness to succeed and flexibility to work around it, we can overcome. Might have to change some of our goals or come up with some new ones. We can succeed and in some cases go beyond what we thought possible. You are going to have to adapt to the fact you are an ex-con and it is going to influence who you date and who will date you. The faster you accept this the easier it will be for you to handle the pitfalls and emotions of love.
Your Ad Could be Here - Click Here
The Road to Freedom
Is there life after prison?
This article is not meant to be a comprehensive guide it is simply a general guide. Relationships by themselves encompass a vast amount of topics even without the criminal issues, each person case is different and the circumstances may require different advice. There is simply no way to cover and answer every possible situation, so please feel free to email me or join the community where you can obtain advice to your specific situation.