Life After One Year | Releasing Yourself from the real Prison
Life After the Halfway House (after one year out of prison) What then?
Once you are out of the halfway house or after you have been out of prison for about a year, then what? Many convicts who get out of prison are living in prison on the outside. What do I mean by that? They still hang out with way too many ex-cons and have too many associates to the criminal past. This may happen in your first year that you are released into a halfway house and this re-socializing can take some time. However, if you have followed the steps to the first year you will soon notice that most of the criminal past elements should be minimal at this point. However some do not and end up surrounded by other convicts or associations thereof. If 90% of your friends are ex-cons or people who work with ex-cons you might want to rethink things. I often see people walking together in public and over hear some of there conversations and it is rather obvious that they were in prison. They talk about the same things they talked about in prison, and think quite similar. So you might ask yourself what is the danger of that as long as there not committing crime? It creates a very real threat, much like a reformed alcoholic hanging out at a bar and just drinking diet Pepsi. They never really moved themselves from the lifestyle. Some of them are genuine and want to help other ex-cons and I understand that. However you need some time in the real world before you can do that. First you must help yourself.
Living in Prison on the Outside
Re-socialization does not mean that you hang around with the same type of people, or think the same way you did before you went to prison. One needs a health holistic view of life and the only way to do that is make friends who have no criminal associations or past criminal acts or very minimal. Some of you might be thinking "they don't understand me", well that is my point. If all your friends are ex-cons, etc, you have a very narrow view of life and tend to have a one sided opinion, and usually to dangerous extremes. The problem is you think you're normal because you're comparing yourself to others often worse then you of like mind. How can you grow and be open to anything new like that. It would do most of you a world of good to sit and listen to victims of crime, especially when they do not know about your past. I have done that and you get a much more honest opinion. Or sit and just listen to a regular person talk about their views on paying taxes or just normal stuff in life. The average person thinks different then the convict or prison culture allows. When you consider that less then 1% of society thinks that way you have to ask yourself, is what you think really correct? Speaking as an ex-con, I do not subscribe to that way of old thinking in any way shape or form, it is wrong and all those schools of thought only lead to one place, prison. So what do you do? You need to find friends who are not in any way associated with a criminal past, and leaving your past out of it, do not focus on your past but just get to know someone as real friends do. I am not saying that you do not need to embrace your past or never talk about it. What I am saying is you need to meet normal people and have normal friendships that do not revolve around just you and your crime. When a group of ex-cons get together is seems all we end up talking about is usually related to prison or crime…bla, bla, bla. Have you not talked about that enough? It is not like we do not have anyone to talk to about it. When was the last time you had a conversation with someone and it never had anything to do with your past, crime or something related to your criminal past? If it has been over a month it has been a month too long. Thus: the term," living in prison on the outside".
The other more important issues and often never discussed, is the many missed opportunities you do not create for yourself. If the majority of your social networks consist of ex-cons and the like, you will not have a good circle for job opportunities or friends of persuasion. Today I know a fair amount of employers and friends who trust my judgments, but that took time and over many years. However it took getting to know other people and building a network of friends that was not based on my past. This is the one thing that I find in many places; people who like to help ex-cons and in their efforts to help they almost create a specific group of people just like themselves. In essence you end up living in a bubble, and all bubbles burst someday. I know over time I may end up helping other ex-cons more, however I know I will keep it at a professional level. I do not intend to make this site located to a physical group of ex-cons hanging out with ex-cons and breeding more of the same old crap. This site will encourage you to have a real life and move towards the life you need. The biggest mistake any convict can make is getting out of prison and helping others too soon. You need a minimum of 5 years or more before you can even do this. I mean that in the sense of living as a real person, working, supporting your self and paying taxes. I do not mean the ones who have their hand out and crying woe is me everyday, society doesn't need any more parasites. If you want more opportunities in life then you are just going to have to create them. You are going to have to come out of your bubble and extend yourself to others.
If you treat yourself as offence as most ex-cons do, you will always be treated in that manner. If you put your prison experience on the table for everyone you meet, or walk side by side with other ex-cons daily, it will be all you have. You decide how others treat you. This tone is set by you in the first conversation you have with someone, the person who cares most about you being an ex-con is you. Most people are willing to give you a chance if you let them get to know who you really are. I do admit, in some cases I became the token ex-con of the group (in some of my first year friendships). I say that in humor as once they got to know me it just all faded away, but they also cared about me and protected me as well. They would speak up for me when others would throw negative comments about crime and punishment.
Dating for Ex-Cons | Relationships | Spouses
Relationships are also important. I often find that persons of criminal past seem to choose someone of like mind or with criminal past as well. In most cases this is bad mistake, and in some cases it is a nightmare. There are always exceptions to this rule, and I understand that. Most of these types of relationships are neither healthy nor beneficial to your growth, and often only enable the bubble living lifestyle. However some exceptions to this do apply especially if you have both been out of prison for awhile or if it is someone who works with ex-cons, each case is unique. I do understand it is easier to have someone of like mind as acceptance and having the similarity. What often starts out as easy and wonderful at first, becomes less attractive later and soon just a daily reminder of the past. So try to meet people who are not associated with any of this stuff once you are ready. Take your time with it and let them get to know who you are at first, a real person and not an offence. It is a wonderful feeling when someone has no idea and likes you for you. After a period of time you can tell them, and once the initial shock wears off in a few days, things might go back to normal or they may say that they cannot handle that and move on. It is a vulnerability you are going to have to tell him/her if you are serious espically if it has the potential to be a long term relationship. Some convicts feel that they just won't say anything, perhaps you have a pardon or just feel that so much time has passed it won't be an issue. No matter what the circumstances, sooner or later it is going to come up in one form or another and they are going to find out. I guess I always had the opinion that if she found out from someone other then me, she would always wonder if I would have told her, plus all the other emotions she would have to go through. In this case it is better to be honest, even if you lose them. However, do not tell them on the first date, wait a bit till you both know this is what you want to do.
Also be mindful of their profession, depending on the type of work they do. If it is a high level security clearance position, high public visibility, or law enforcement this may causes some issues. You may like the person but it is just not going to happen. In this case you are going to have to think about them and what this would do to their career. In these cases, their co-workers will check out your background with out you even knowing it, even if they themselves do not. I have personally come across a couple of these situations, and it is not easy, however it's just best to avoid it.
There are plenty of women and men out there that will understand and accept you. However do not rush it and let them get to know you as a person. There is no right or wrong answers. You will have to figure out what is the right time to tell him/her. I often found people respected my honest and for that, ended up respecting me more because of it. You have to remember, you have had years to deal with your past, so once you lay this on someone you need to give them a little time. If you do not give them enough time to get to know the real you, they will have very little to compare you to against the offence. I have had woman tell me that they were glad they got to know me before they knew because they can tell I am just not the person I was, or, they can just not image me ever doing that. However for me, I do find it tiring and depressing at times and sometimes just feel I do not want to fight any more causes. I have just found that having a criminal past and trying to live a normal life takes more energy then most can image, the daily obstacle course just never ends. I have to fight to just have normal stuff and then often lose it because of my past. When I was in prison, I use to read those books about how people accepted God and their lives were changed and now all was good and wonderful. What a load of crap that is, so I am not going to give you a load of verbal diarrhea of how wonderful everything is for me. I am not going to tell you that if you follow these steps you will get the person you want in a relationship, or that you will live happy every after, and won't get rejected. You will lose out on so many things because of your past and relationships are just one of those things. Woman/men want stability in a relationship and most of us cannot even get a real paying job because of our past, even after years of doing well. We are not just wresting with the fact of someone liking us and understanding us and seeing above our criminal past, we are faced with the reality that most of us can barely provide for ourselves.
Conclusion
Embracing your past doesn't mean you live in it, it means the opposite. If you embrace your past, you simply cannot live in it; you will see the folly of it ways, and the destruction that it has created. Over time you must move away from the old friends and criminal associations in order to be whole and obtain as close to a normal life as possible. Everything will now be a fight for you and nothing will come easy. I wish I could tell you there is an easy way to make this all possible; however after 11 years I have concluded, it is very hard. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well if that was true in a physical sense I could be tossing around transport trucks right now and play catch with cars. You will take hits emotionally, and be tested on every level. If you do not develop an attitude of fortitude and a way of dealing with this, you will succumb to the belief that you are better off in prison or being a criminal. This is something every ex-con struggles with for a number of years after there release, and the more serious you are the worse it is for you.
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The Road to Freedom
Is there life after prison?